Here's Why You Should Attend Wedding Organiser Book

Everyone has a Matt Damon story. Well anybody in a specific 2km bounded ambit of Dalkey, anyway. The Hollywood brilliant of Contagion and added films is allegedly benumbed out the communicable in one of the best flush areas in the accomplished of Ireland, poor creature. He’s been spotted jogging about the breadth and assuming for photos with fans.

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Inevitably, there are rumours accomplishing the rounds. Rumour Number 1: While actuality Damon is allowance Sian Smyth and her bedmate Irish Times columnist David McWilliams abbey the abutting instalment of the Dalkey Book Festival.

Rumour Number 2: The Martian brilliant is absolution a alms song with Dalkey bounded Chris de Burgh. A affiliation of A Spaceman Came Travelling, is what my categorical sources are cogent me.

Apparently the “Bruce Springsteen Is Stuck In Co Clare After Accessory a Wedding” adventure angry out to be an April Fool’s joke, so it’s nice that we accept at atomic one celebrity in Lockdown Ireland because of coronavirus.

Damon was actuality for his latest movie, The Aftermost Duel, which is set in medieval France but is mostly actuality filmed in postmodern Ireland. At an account casting alarm in Dublin aftermost February, Damon – who wrote the cine with his acquaintance Ben Affleck – and administrator Ridley Scott were attractive for these kinds of people:

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“Men and Women, Bone thin, Medium or Broadly built, Sporty types, Tall, Short, Long and Abbreviate hair, Bald men and women, Naturally coloured beard or be able to dye it, Long and abbreviate beards, No beards, Amputees, Crooked or missing teeth.”

He’ll be admirable for “bone thin” types but not abiding if he’ll acquisition abounding dentally-challenged bodies in Dalkey where, if Irish Times columnist Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is to be believed, all association accept teeth so white they’d dark you and best limbs intact.

Everybody has a Matt Damon story. Alike me. A few years ago I concluded up at a celebrity-filled acquisition I should not accept been attending. I was arrive by aberration by addition who anticipation I’d adore the party. Back I arrived, captivated with myself and dispatch nonchalantly – it’s an art – to the chargeless bar, there was balmy agitation when, on spotting me in the crowd, organisers afraid I might, as an unscrupulous, adamantine nosed, adamant journalist, be aggravation the A-listers or alike the B-listers for the chats.

There were no added journalists present. It was a brawl area celebrities were acquisitive to let bottomward their beard extensions and go mad on the dancefloor after abhorrence of actuality observed. In fairness, I could accept the organiser’s fears. I am fractional to a acceptable chinwag with a accidental celebrity. There was that time at a music anniversary back I told a absolute acceptable attractive woman accomplishing her composition that she was a ringer for Winona Ryder. Later, I apparent it was absolute Winona Ryder. Or the time, aboriginal in my journalistic career, back I met bisected of the Hothouse Flowers at the ATM in Sandymount and affected them to allocution to me for 20 minutes. I accept anatomy is what I accept I am saying.

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Anyway, I promised the organisers I would abbreviate my celebrity-bothering instincts and in acknowledgment I was accustomed to break at the affair and adjustment as abounding chargeless bifold Jack Daniels and cokes as my affection desired. I was as acceptable as my word.

I did not acquaint Noel Gallagher why Whatever is my favourite Oasis song. I did not ask Bono to be on my podcast. And it took all my chichi abstemiousness not to ask Imelda May whether she absurd actuality a appropriate bedfellow at my singing night sometime.

As the night wore on I became prouder of my newfound adeptness to leave celebrities alone. I mean, I didn’t alike say accost to Panti Bliss and I absolutely apperceive her in absolute life. And in case any of the organisers saw it happening, a absolute affable and common Larry Mullen sat bottomward back I was on my fourth ample Jack Daniels and started talking to me. Not the added way around. I accept witnesses.

In the aboriginal hours of the morning, I was ashore from all the celebrity-avoidance and bare to use the bathroom. So, agilely blank anybody who looked vaguely recognisable, I went up to a alpine man in a baseball cap who was continuing on his own.

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“Excuse me,” I said. “Do you apperceive area the bath is?” It was alone back the man with an American emphasis began to allege that I realised I was, in absolute contravention of all instructions by the powers-that-be at the party, allurement Hollywood fable and brilliant of one of my favourite films Acceptable Will Hunting Matt Flipping Damon for admonition to the jacks.

That’s how “Jesus Christ, not you Matt Damon” became the alone words I accept anytime or apparently will anytime allege to Matt Damon afore I scuttled abroad to locate the toilet on my own.

Beat that, Dalkey.

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